It never gets old does it? The human heart’s innate nature to desire affirmation and love. I don’t think I will ever graduate from it. I don’t think I will ever wake up one morning and say that I am so full of love and affirmation that I don’t need it anymore for the rest of my life. In fact, I count it as a victory when the tug on my heart isn’t so needy. Of course, some days are better than others, but my weak heart will always seem to hunger and desire to be affirmed, to be good enough, and to be loved.
And maybe it’s because I am so in tune with my weaknesses. The insecurities that cripple me with more fear than I’d like to admit. The wounding that’s happened over the years that has accumulated. All which can be traced back to a deeply rooted longing for affirmation and love. And oh how Satan loves to bring up those weaknesses and insecurites!
My independent nature. My stubbornness. My temper that flares when I feel that my insecurities might be discovered. All defense mechanism that I’ve learned over the years to cover it up — my need for affirmation and the insecurities that stem from it. And I hate it. I hate admitting to it. I hate showing signs of weakness. I hate the stark contrast that I am to the Man that I long to be like when I’m operating under fear — fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection. I am made in the imagine of God but with that image debased… feeling the urgency and reality to be taught how to meditate, to worship, to think, and to act.
I have nothing good to offer Him. Nothing but my weak and vulnerable heart that feels beaten and broken and tired. And even then, I still need His grace and courage to come before Him to lay it down at His feet. I still need His grace and courage to muster up the little faith that I have to continue to say a weak “yes” to His perfect leadership and to follow where He leads me even when I’m afraid and I’m uncertain.
But today, as I quiet my heart and sit before Him, I’m reminded of the truth and joy in the Gospel that liberates my heart from my fears and my insecurities: He is for me. He will never forsake me in my weakness. My sin is so overwhelming, yet He came for me. He still came for me. I was worth it. Weak, broken, unimpressive me — I was worth it.
And I closed my eyes, leaned my head back against the wall, and began to declare His attributes – the attributes of Christ, a glimpse of the Father, that so moves my heart to love:
You are faithful.
You are constant.
You are loving.
You are patient.
You are gracious.
You are kind.
What began as just a list became life to me as the truth of those declarations about His character began to sink in:
You are gentle.
You are merciful.
You are unrelenting.
You love me.
You are for me…
Jesus, You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
And the tears began to come as I dwell on that truth and felt His love wash over me yet again, as I rediscovered His love yet again. And for millionth time, still, He gently reaffirms me. For the millionth time, His gentle voice, never tired of doing so, reminds me of His love and commitment for me:
“You know that I am for you. You know that I am for you. I will never forsake you in your weaknesses.”
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