Well, here I am – in a small, little (big according to their standards) town of 20,000 people that is situated in what feels like the middle of nowhere. I’ve never seen so much green and so much nature surrounding me all my life here within the U.S. (I’ve been in cities for way too long…) From a city girl to a small town gal – seems a little silly but the transition was definitely shocking. Suddenly most stores closed by 8pm. I’m in an old apartment complex where the lights seem to only want to work half the time. There are holes and cracks in the walls, which offer little to no insulation. People have already been correcting me on how to say words properly. “People won’t understand you if you say it that way,” they say. And I find myself in a place where I’m obviously “different” – I’m not from the South, and I’m Asian. And oh, how some people stare – adults have a little more self-control, you catch their eye, and they look away. But children… they just look and look with no shame at all. Sometimes, they even point and their parents have to embarrassingly usher them away. I was different from the types of people they were used to seeing – you’d think I came from another planet.
I moved out here purely based on a promise I believe He gave me – my weak, uncertain “yes” to the Lord, reflected in my move to the South. You’d think the promise in itself should’ve been enough – enough for me to venture out of my comfort zone and trust, which, on a good day, I have no problem doing. But when you’re all alone by yourself, and there is a frightening thunderstorm happening on the other side of your window, where lightening literally lights up your whole apartment, the sound of thunder waking you up in the middle of the night and is deafening to your ears, and you’re genuinely questioning your survival, one really does wonder: did I hear You correctly, Lord?
Now this may all sound silly, even a little dramatic (wait till tornado season hits), and I’m probably just complaining about nothing (southern culture actually isn’t that bad – people are REALLY hospitable and friendly; everyone I’ve met thus far has been great), but here’s the point: I’m sure we’ve all reached a place where we’ve questioned the decisions that we’ve made – especially ones that we’ve made for the Lord. Was it really worth it? Suddenly, all the wary looks that I had received over the past few months from those around me when I first told them I was moving away to the South came flooding back to my memory. Maybe they were right…
But it’s in the midst of the uncertainty, in the midst of discomfort, and in the midst of crying out from that place of weakness, confessing to Him that my spirit is willing yet my flesh is weak that God’s still, small voice comes, gently whispering:
“Do you know the way you move Me?”
And suddenly I remember then not what I had said “yes” to, but who. God – the Almighty God Himself, He who is faithful, He who keeps His promises. It’s the remembrance of who He is that hope comes streaming into my heart. The One and Only who is worthy of it all – suddenly, my sacrifices and discomforts seem so small. Who am I to ravish His heart? Who am I, with love so weak, to be a delight to Him? (Song 4:9-10)
Yes, our sacrifices for the Lord, no matter how big or small, are very real. The heartaches that might come with the sacrifices are also very real. The process of taking up our cross, dying to our desires and ambitions – even if they are “good things” – is a painful one. Yet, it’s so small compared to His sacrifice – the greatest one known to mankind. The Rich One left His lofty Throne and took on flesh to join Himself to us. When Jesus took on flesh and came the first time, revealing God to the world, the plan that began in the counsel of the Godhead before there was time, became so clear – it had always been about love. God had always wanted us to be in relationship, in partnership, with Him.
And it’s this pursuit of Love. One taste of His goodness and I’m done for. And I long for more of Him – a journey that will indeed cost me everything. But He is worth it. He is the perfect Leader; and every sacrifice laid down, every tear that was shed, He sees and remembers. And He is more than worthy of it all. It is this sincere heart cry to be a wholehearted lover of God manifested through the genuine pursuit of Jesus, believing Him at His word, and taking that step of faith forward – no matter how weak of an effort it might seem and however inadequate we might feel in the process – that moves His heart so deeply.
Our efforts might still be weak. We might not know what we’re doing — and maybe we never will fully. But… I think I’ve personally learned to be ok with that. We need only to obey and be faithful – He will lead us well and He will do the rest.
At the end of the day, we need only to keep saying a weak but genuine “yes” to the Lord… because that, that is enough to move His heart. And from there, He will lead us on a journey that we would never have imagined.
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